Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Two Days til Two Years

Dylan's 2nd Birthday would've (yes, I could say is, but it feels admittedly odd to me to still "celebrate" it as if he's right here with us) been this coming Friday. In alot of ways, I still feel just like I did in this post, that it's looming over me with anxiety and despair.

I am slowly making my way through Elizabeth McCracken's book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination", and there are so many great quotes from there that have stopped me in my tracks:

"You move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends may say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead."

"I'm not ready for my first child to fade into history."

"grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving"

I get it. I get it all. We're on the cusp of 2 years now, and [many] people will want me to stop mentioning him. I'm going back and forth on whether or not I'll update my Facebook status to wish my [dead] son a Happy Birthday, just like all of the other mothers do on their kids' birthdays. Only mine will end with some sort of sad, sad tag like "and I miss you so much" or "I hope you're partying it up in Heaven". Do they do that? Have parties in Heaven?

I'm not sure that people will be sympathetic anymore. And is that what I really want/need? For people to still be sympathetic? Because whether or not people [still or have ever] acknowledge my reality, it happened. I was pregnant with Dylan. He was born. He died. And for that, I will be forever in grief. You don't just wake up one day and say, "Okay, it's been x-amount of time now, I'm good!" I don't think that will ever happen, and I'm not sure I would ever want it to.

So, until Friday, shed a tear for us, think of us, pray for us. It's been a rough journey, and it's far from over. It blows my mind and breaks my heart to think that we should have a 2-year-old running around this house.


Ashly said...

of course they have parties in Heaven! I hope Brooks is celebrating with him! Happy Birthday, Dylan!!

Sara said...

Oh, this post just breaks my heart. You are so right. The grief lasts lifetime.

Happy 2nd Birthday to your sweet Dylan. He may not be here with you physically, but he will always be in your heart.

Holly said...

Will def think of you!! ♥

Courtney said...

*hugs* Will be holding you all close to my heart.

SUSI said...

Happy 2nd Birthday Dylan! Hope you are having a huge cupcake in heaven.

I totally understand what you are saying. It seems like that Lucas does not exist and never existed for that matter to so many people. It breaks my heart to see how he is slowly being forgotten about.

I will be thinking about you guys tomorrow and hope that you will be able to find joy in the memories of your sweet son.

PS: I bought the book a while ago and I have not been able to pick it up. I just know that it will bring many tears but ready some of the quotes you posted makes me want to read it.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to get this book. I love the quotes. They speak volumes to me.

My thoughts are with you.

Happy Birthday Dylan!!!

Kim said...

Happy Birthday Dylan! I am sure he is having a party in heaven.....I hope parties don't end on earth! I know this will be a hard day for you today and forever. Stay strong. Just know that he is always with you in your heart and you will all be together one day....HUGS!!