Griefville: Population Me

I have a confession to make about this year so far. I'm already dreading June. I mean, ALOT. It will be five years this year. An unwelcome anniversary.

I was reading over some old posts, and the grief just started bubbling over, welling up in my eyes and forming a knot in the pit of my stomach.

I don't want to be here again. I mean, it's not like Griefville is a place I ever get to leave. It's just, some days are a little more bearable than others.

And this year. Oh, this year. It's already shaping up to be just a thorn in my side.

Hemingway's Six Words

"For Sale: baby shoes, never worn." -Ernest Hemingway

A six-word story? I didn't know they existed. But I read this and thought, "wow, profound". Those six words, they tell an entire story ... one that I feel like I've lived. But in the spirit of brevity, I'll leave this post at that.

Right Where I Am: Four Years

HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY DYLAN! My dear firstborn, we love and miss you so much. I'm participating in Angie's Right Where I Am project again, and after reading through last year's post, I realize that a lot of the emotions remain the same. I'm still incredibly humbled by those who remember with us, still touched by those who take the time to send a kind word our way. The tears flow a little bit stronger this time of year, the emotions just a little bit more raw than usual.

This year, we welcomed Dylan's newest little sister to the family. Perhaps the emotions were heightened a little by postpartum depression. Both of my daughters now have birthdays in May (Dylan's in June). I texted a friend: "I gotta stop pumping out kids right before the anniversary of my son's death, it's not helping prevent PPD."  I say it in jest, but it's probably true. 

I updated my Facebook status yesterday to say, "Happy Birthday Dylan! Happy 1 Month Vivy! Ahhh, the roller coaster that is motherhood." It's difficult to have a newborn at home in my arms and to be "celebrating" Dylan's birthday. It's like juggling emotions. I keep hearing people say that our newest daughter looks like Dylan. I love hearing his name. Sometimes, it's the little things, you know. Now that our older daughter is 3 and is now officially a BIG sister, she understands what newborns are and she understands that "Baby Dylan" is a part of this family. It's especially lovely to hear her say Dylan's name.

I think the grief at 4 years is a little like this post. It's a all over the place, a little stream-of-consciousness if you will. It resurfaces when you least expect it, in good ways and in bad. Not a day goes by where we don't think about our son. We made our annual birthday donation to the children's hospital. It's good, you know, that we've been able to take this experience and make what we can with it.

"You Got Dealt A Crappy Hand, Now Deal With It!"

Sometimes TV hits so close to home, like art imitating life. I can watch it, and think, "Yea, been there, done that." Nothing like Grey's Anatomy teaching you a few life lessons, or better yet, reinforcing and solidifying what you've already experienced. Last Thursday's episode was no exception. I learned what the medical term "A.N.D" meant . . . Allowing Natural Death. Had a "been there, done that" moment. And then I practically heard Karev yelling, "You got dealt a crappy hand, now deal with it" at ME! The grief seems to bubble back to the surface at the strangest times.

25 Days of Giveaways - Day 17

CONGRATULATIONS to Sara (I drew your name for Prize #1) and to Susi (I drew your name for Prize #2). I've contacted the winners! Thank you everyone for visiting and taking the time to enter. May the Christmas season treat you all well.

P.S. Someone wanted to know where I purchased the quote plaques, and I bought them from a Hallmark Gold Crown store.


I wanted to start off again by thanking Tina for executing this great little idea of hers. This is my 2nd year hosting a giveaway, and I've visited the blogs of all the people who've hosted thus far. It's bittersweet, knowing that our beautiful babies are not here to spend Christmas with us but that we can somehow honor and remember them in our own little ways. It breaks my heart to think that I should be getting toys for a 3-and-a-half year old. Wow, just wow!

Anyway, I pray for your babies and that we can somehow find a little peace this holiday season. Sometimes, all we need is that one word or quote or statement to get us through the day. That is why when I saw these, I bought two! They are wooden wall/desk plaques:

Prize #1
(this one is the larger of the two, I would guestimate around a 5x7 size, Quote is from Winnie the Pooh: "Promise me you'll always remember ... You're BRAVER than you believe, and STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think.")

Prize #2
(this one is the smaller of the two [4x6 would be my guess], so I'm adding a sweet amethyst/sterling silver "Faith" bracelet to go along with this one, Quote is: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass ... It's learning to dance in the rain ...")

To enter, simply leave a comment on this post -- maybe your favorite message (or even a single word) that has gotten you through your darkest days, maybe who your greatest support system has been throughout? If you prefer one prize over the other let me know, so I can do my best to get that one out to you. I will leave the comments open through the weekend and draw winners on Monday.

Feel free to follow my blog, if you don't already. At 3+ years since Dylan's death, the frequency of posts aren't as often as they used to be but that doesn't make them any less meaningful. 1 extra entry for following (leave a 2nd comment).

P.S. It's quite special to me that my husband helped picked these out. He thought the quotes were perfect, especially on the Pooh plaque. And after all we've survived together, he's been my lifeline, my greatest support throughout. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas everyone!