Thursday, December 10, 2009

What a Difference . . .

. . . a year makes.  Yesterday I turned 31, and I started thinking about how much of a milestone my birthday last year was.  I turned 30 last year.  It was a milestone birthday that I did not want to celebrate, not because I was getting older but because it was my first birthday as a babyloss mother.  It's not enough to have to celebrate my birthday sandwiched between the holidays, where it inevitably gets lost in the shuffle.  But to have to celebrate it without Dylan around last year was, frankly, grievously overwhelming.  Last year, instead of a birthday card, my husband wrote me this letter:

So I've never really been good at writing cards, but it seems this year to be especially difficult.  Buying a card off of the rack couldn't say what I needed to say.  I could get one that says "Hey you're 30!" but you already know that.  This year, and for every year on, our birthdays will not be complete as our family cannot be complete, for the most special member can no longer be with us.  So what can I say to that?  God's most precious gift to us was bitter-sweet.  For he gave us the most perfect baby in all the world, but we could not keep it. . . . For what gifts can I truly give to you that you do not already have? . . . You have given me so much that you do not know, that no gifts in the world could repay.  You are the crutch to my malady, the roots to my tree.  If I am strong like a brick, then you are the sand that I am made of, for I cannot be what I am without you.  I am truly blessed to have you as a wife, and Dylan as a son.  The Holy Spirit tells me that he's with us right now, celebrating along side of us.  With all of that in mind we say to you, Happy Birthday Mommy.  We love you!

Truly a priceless gift.  When I read this last year, I bawled my eyes out.  Even now, as I re-type it, I am teary-eyed.  Sure, it's been a year, and sure, the grief is less stinging and more bearable, but it's definitely still there.  31 - the 2nd of a lifetime of "incomplete birthdays".

"28" (12/2006) - A Complete Celebration:

"30" (12/2008) - Spent Quietly Contemplating