Sunday, June 14, 2009

What To Expect When You're Expecting [After Loss]

"No one told me it would be like this" . . . I'm sure this sentiment has crossed the minds of many parents. But as a parent who's now had a child after losing one, the thought still rings true. It's not like I feel resentment or contempt towards my new baby, it's just a sort of sadness I feel when I look into her eyes or watch her doing . . . well, pretty much anything and think "Dylan never got to do this". It's bittersweet. I'm sure it's not in any chapter of any book. I should be grateful and overjoyed that we have a new healthy baby, but there are times when thoughts of Dylan just leave me heavy-hearted. I know my emotions are heightened by the tragic combo of "postpartum blues" and having to celebrate the 1-year anniversary of Dylan's death at the same time. And I hope I'm not wrong for even thinking this way. I love my daughter dearly. I love my son dearly and miss him every day. It's just a surreal life to be living, that's all.

I can't believe the year that we've survived. I can't believe that the pain hasn't subsided; dulled, but never went away (and certainly never will). And Faith is no band-aid (boy, that's a loaded statement if I've ever heard one). Dylan will always have a part of my heart that no one else could ever replace.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Happy Birthday Dylan!

Regarding the 1-year anniversary of the day she was diagnosed with cancer, a friend recently wrote "Today is not a bad day, or a sad day, or a mad day. Its a tribute to the strength and fortitude to overcome a challenge. It's a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!"

I find myself inspired by her words. Although our circumstances are not the same, I've felt a similar "strength and fortitude" over the course of the past year that have gotten me through the roughest of days. In alot of ways, today was similar to everyday in the past year rolled into one. I woke up this morning by my cell phone bombarding me with texts, voicemails, and emails of family and friends all remembering with us and acknowledging the day. And though I could've easily stayed in bed and slept the day away, I didn't. I remembered those mornings in the first few months after Dylan's death that I spent just wanting to stay in bed.

But I didn't just stay in bed. I pressed on. We both did. As difficult as it was to do so without our amazing son, we did. Yes, it was challenging. And yes, some days were more difficult than others.

"Today is not a bad day." It's Dylan's birthday. And like anyone else's birthday, it's a celebration of his life, a celebration of him. There were times that I did find myself sad today, sad that Dylan's not here with us for this celebration. But it's still not a bad day or a mad day. It's Dylan's birthday. We just want to wish our precious son a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We love you and miss you dearly, with all our hearts. Thank you for the difference you've made in our lives; thank you for making us the best parents we could possibly be; thank you for gracing us with 6 beautiful days. May your celebration in Heaven be blessed with laughter and joy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYLAN!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Looming Over Me

In these days leading up to June 11th (Dylan's birthday), I am admittedly anxious and sad. Is it strange that we've come full-circle already by welcoming Dylan's baby sister into the world just 2 weeks ago? It's strange to me. We've been blessed with this beautiful bundle of joy in our lives, but a bit of it is overshadowed by this looming anniversary (not one that we'd particularly like to be celebrating but one that we obviously can't overlook as well). I pray that the strength that we've exhibited over the course of the past year will carry us over these difficult days ahead.