Sunday, June 14, 2009

What To Expect When You're Expecting [After Loss]

"No one told me it would be like this" . . . I'm sure this sentiment has crossed the minds of many parents. But as a parent who's now had a child after losing one, the thought still rings true. It's not like I feel resentment or contempt towards my new baby, it's just a sort of sadness I feel when I look into her eyes or watch her doing . . . well, pretty much anything and think "Dylan never got to do this". It's bittersweet. I'm sure it's not in any chapter of any book. I should be grateful and overjoyed that we have a new healthy baby, but there are times when thoughts of Dylan just leave me heavy-hearted. I know my emotions are heightened by the tragic combo of "postpartum blues" and having to celebrate the 1-year anniversary of Dylan's death at the same time. And I hope I'm not wrong for even thinking this way. I love my daughter dearly. I love my son dearly and miss him every day. It's just a surreal life to be living, that's all.

I can't believe the year that we've survived. I can't believe that the pain hasn't subsided; dulled, but never went away (and certainly never will). And Faith is no band-aid (boy, that's a loaded statement if I've ever heard one). Dylan will always have a part of my heart that no one else could ever replace.


Lea said...

I think what you are feeling is completely natural and no one will ever question your love for your daughter. It's a different kind of world we live in now....

Love to you

Anonymous said...

First of - Congratulations on your little daughter. Your story gives me hope in my journey to face the next big step - expecting a new baby after the loss of our sweet angel Lucas.

I can't even imagine what you are experiencing right now and I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.


Courtney said...

I agree. Nobody can put words to the feelings we feel when we are expecting after the loss of our babies. Like Lea said, It's a different kind of world we live in now ... so very very true.

Lea said...

Hey There - just wanted to let you know that I made a pair of Angel Wings for Dylan. Check out my blog.