Dylan would be 4 months old today, and I wonder what milestones he would have hit by now. It amazes me that's it's only been 4 months since we lost our beloved, perfect son. It feels likes it's been longer. Justin and I have been well, all-in-all. We've both had moments, some of mine more recent. I have a really tough time with one of the seemingly smallest things. When people ask me/us the question, "Do you have any kids?" It's happened twice now, and both times, we answered (with hesitation), "No".
The first time, a family from church asked us. I could hear the trepidation in my voice as I answered. Afterwards, I was so angry at myself. I could list reasons in my head why that was my natural response (maybe to avoid having to go into a long, drawn-out explanation of what happened or to say something uncomfortable like, "Yes, but he's passed."), but that didn't lessen my regret for saying it. I kept telling Justin, "Yes, of course, we have a kid."
Then there was last weekend. Justin and I were at a friend's wedding, and just as we were leaving, the Groom's father (who Justin's known for a while) asked if we had any kids yet. Justin looked at me, and my processors were a bit slowed by the fact that I was three sheets to the wind at that point in the night. He smiled and told him, "No, not yet." I honestly don't remember walking out to the car, I just know that once I was there and the door closed behind me, I erupted into tears. "Why, why," I cried, "Why isn't he here?" I bawled the whole way home.
It's only been 4 months since Dylan's death. I could be worse, right?
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