I won't go into a political rant or discuss the candidates. Rather than tell you who I voted for, I will share why I voted. The whole time I waited in line, I thought about Dylan and how I would've been shaping his future. I thought about the environment and education. I thought about the health industry. As Justin and I continue to move on without Dylan here, we must keep faith that more children are in our future and that our votes today will make a difference in their lives also.
So yesterday, when my co-workers asked how my Halloween went, my constant answer was "mellow". And it was pretty chill, but what I really wanted to say was, "Well, I wish Dylan was there."
Our Dog's Intuition
I always wonder if dogs are inherently intuitive. When we look at our dog Inu, sometimes we say, "I wonder what he's thinking". I asked Justin the other day if Inu knew what happened to us in June, if he understood what was happening the whole time I was pregnant. I read a few books that said dogs can "smell" it. But could he comprehend the fact that we left for the hospital and came back days and days later empty-handed? Could he understand what happened?
Being the lucky recipient of all the extra love and attention we came home with, he probably had some idea. He probably realizes that the door to Dylan's nursery always stays closed. And he's always there to wipe (or lick) the tears off my face if I've been crying. Yeah, he knows.
Closing Borrowed Writing
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.