Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Right Where I Am: Four Years

HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY DYLAN! My dear firstborn, we love and miss you so much. I'm participating in Angie's Right Where I Am project again, and after reading through last year's post, I realize that a lot of the emotions remain the same. I'm still incredibly humbled by those who remember with us, still touched by those who take the time to send a kind word our way. The tears flow a little bit stronger this time of year, the emotions just a little bit more raw than usual.

This year, we welcomed Dylan's newest little sister to the family. Perhaps the emotions were heightened a little by postpartum depression. Both of my daughters now have birthdays in May (Dylan's in June). I texted a friend: "I gotta stop pumping out kids right before the anniversary of my son's death, it's not helping prevent PPD."  I say it in jest, but it's probably true. 

I updated my Facebook status yesterday to say, "Happy Birthday Dylan! Happy 1 Month Vivy! Ahhh, the roller coaster that is motherhood." It's difficult to have a newborn at home in my arms and to be "celebrating" Dylan's birthday. It's like juggling emotions. I keep hearing people say that our newest daughter looks like Dylan. I love hearing his name. Sometimes, it's the little things, you know. Now that our older daughter is 3 and is now officially a BIG sister, she understands what newborns are and she understands that "Baby Dylan" is a part of this family. It's especially lovely to hear her say Dylan's name.

I think the grief at 4 years is a little like this post. It's a all over the place, a little stream-of-consciousness if you will. It resurfaces when you least expect it, in good ways and in bad. Not a day goes by where we don't think about our son. We made our annual birthday donation to the children's hospital. It's good, you know, that we've been able to take this experience and make what we can with it.


Sara said...

4 years! Oh Dylan, I know you are having a big celebration in Heaven. :)

And I didn't know you had another little one. How did I miss that? Congratulations on you newest sweetie. :)

Catherine W said...

Oh that is a real rollercoaster, having your girls' birthdays so close to Dylan's. I did have a smile to myself over your text to your friend, black humour helps us through these agonising times I think.

I'm nearly at four years and your description is perfect, all over the place and unexpectedly popping up. And yes, not a day goes past that we don't think of them.

Your son was absolutely gorgeous, his photographs here on your blog are truly beautiful. I'm so very sorry that he isn't here in your arms.

erica said...

A happy belated birthday to your Dylan. He is such a beautiful little boy and I'm so sorry he isn't with you.

The resurfacing grief - oh, yes. You describe and the ways that it flows through life so well.

Sending love.

Holly said...

I think you are right about grief.

Dylan ♥

Fireflyforever said...

I'm not quite four years yet (October will be 4 for us) but I agree that grief is more of a stream of consciousness now - twined through all the other aspects of life, resurfacing at unexpected moments.

Wishing all you spring babies were romping around your home.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh I know what you mean about timing. My second rainbow was born the day before Hope's third birthday, which was also the anniversary of the day she died in utero. I don't know how I'm going to get through it this year, with the two birthdays one after the other, but only one here to blow out the candles.
Remembering your precious Dylan, four years on.