Friday, October 2, 2009

A New Mourning

Some friends of ours recently got engaged, and when I heard the news, I was beaming for them. I love weddings! I love going to weddings, getting all dressed up, dancing, seeing the bride for the first time. I've shot and edited wedding videos; even had a brief stint as a wedding coordinator.

Then, I thought about Dylan’s wedding. I felt as if I was mourning a new kind of loss. I’m no longer just mourning my newborn son, the tiny little boy that I held in my arms. I’m mourning the person he would become as well. I’m mourning the fact that I will never get to do a mother-son dance with my firstborn. Never have this kind of untainted happiness again:

My existence has changed forever. And if you can’t quite wrap your mind around it, think of like this: Once you become a mother, you’re a mother for life, no matter the circumstance.

Well, once you become a mother whose child has died, you’re a babylost mother for life. There are no band-aids or quick-fix remedies. There are phases you go through. Times that are more difficult than others, but you will always be defined as a babylost mother.

Closing Thoughts of the Day

"When you lose someone, it stays with you, always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt." --Elena, from The Vampire Diaries (of all places)

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." --Author Unknown (grabbed from a friend's e-mail, thanks Jackie!)


Lea said...

I feel the same way when looking at pictures of myself before we lost Nicholas. "Untainted happiness"... perfectly put.


Sara said...

What a beautifully sad post. "Untainted happiness.." - so true.

Jackie said...

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."....I saw the quote and had to pass that email along. So much wisdom in only a few words.

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh wow, this is such a coincidence. I am going to a wedding tomorrow. What you have said is so sad and true. We are missing out on who they would have been.

Kristi said...

I just read Dylan's beautiful story and your brave story that goes with his. I am so very and deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine your pain or sorrow. Please know I will say prayers for you, Justin, and Dylan.

Holly said...

Remembering your precious Dylan with you today. I often think of all the things I am missing and I mourn to for what will never be.