Happy 2nd Birthday Dylan!

This morning, I went to work. That's not all that unusual, but I haven't been to work on June 11th in 2 years now. That's because two years ago on this date, Dylan was born. And one year ago on this date, I was out on maternity leave with Faith.

So, there I was, my first June 11th in 2 years. All in all, I survived. I managed my heavy heart, as I oftentimes do, and got all my work done. One of my co-workers stopped by my office and just wanted to hug me. Another called my extension to tell me that she was just thinking about me. One of my best friends sent flowers to my office. I'm blessed. I was blanketed by love and support from calls, e-mails, texts, FB messages, comments on this blog, etc. I have nothing but gratitude for it all.

And I know that I haven't expressed all the gratitude that I've held in my heart for so long. Many people have done so much and have helped in their own special ways:

Thank you Crystal for the Wednesday's Child frame,
the flowers you sent today,
and all of your thoughtfulness always:

Thank you Liz for your generosity and always making

a donation to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta in Dylan's name:Thank you Katy for the sweet note
and the beautiful plaque (that I cherish so very much):

Thank you Jen for your kind words:

"We'll never forget that special little guy
and the empty space he left in our family."

I have so many people to thank for so many different things, that I could spend hours and hours listing them out. We are so very blessed to have this kind of support today and always. I am forever humbled by you all. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL SON! WE LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND MISS YOU ALWAYS! HOPE YOU'RE PARTYING IT UP IN HEAVEN! :)

Here's another video for your viewing pleasure:

Two Days til Two Years

Dylan's 2nd Birthday would've (yes, I could say is, but it feels admittedly odd to me to still "celebrate" it as if he's right here with us) been this coming Friday. In alot of ways, I still feel just like I did in this post, that it's looming over me with anxiety and despair.

I am slowly making my way through Elizabeth McCracken's book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination", and there are so many great quotes from there that have stopped me in my tracks:

"You move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends may say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you'll feel better. You'll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead."

"I'm not ready for my first child to fade into history."

"grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving"

I get it. I get it all. We're on the cusp of 2 years now, and [many] people will want me to stop mentioning him. I'm going back and forth on whether or not I'll update my Facebook status to wish my [dead] son a Happy Birthday, just like all of the other mothers do on their kids' birthdays. Only mine will end with some sort of sad, sad tag like "and I miss you so much" or "I hope you're partying it up in Heaven". Do they do that? Have parties in Heaven?

I'm not sure that people will be sympathetic anymore. And is that what I really want/need? For people to still be sympathetic? Because whether or not people [still or have ever] acknowledge my reality, it happened. I was pregnant with Dylan. He was born. He died. And for that, I will be forever in grief. You don't just wake up one day and say, "Okay, it's been x-amount of time now, I'm good!" I don't think that will ever happen, and I'm not sure I would ever want it to.

So, until Friday, shed a tear for us, think of us, pray for us. It's been a rough journey, and it's far from over. It blows my mind and breaks my heart to think that we should have a 2-year-old running around this house.

I Can Relate

The following lines are excerpts from last night's One Tree Hill (they're a series of conversations that one of the characters is having with her dead mother . . . I heard her words and completely understood):

I know you're gone and you're not coming back, but I was just thinking that maybe somehow I could see you again or be able to talk to you or hear your voice.

It all just seems so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world, and the meek and righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that get unanswered. Everyday, we ignore how completely broken this world is. And we tell ourselves it's all gonna be okay, "You're gonna be okay!" But it's not okay, and once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world. At least not today there isn't.

I was thinking about the finality of it all. How somebody can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever. It's uh . . . it's too enormous to think about. It's too hard. And then you're just supposed to go on, right? Like just deal with it. I mean really, you're supposed to be sad for about as long as the flowers last. And then, oh, time to go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days. I don't have any jokes to tell. As a matter of fact, I hope I never hear another joke as long as I live. And the old days are just that, they're old days that are gone.

I have to tell myself to just be happy, but I don't feel happy. And when I try to change it, when I try to remember what being happy felt like, I can't. I don't feel joy. I don't feel inspired. I feel numb.

Everyday we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves that it's all going to be okay. But it's not gonna be okay, I know that now.

********

"Our lives are difficult. And our loss unbearable sometimes. So grieve. And struggle. And you find your way back on your own terms and in your own way. But remember this, [our children] would want us to be vibrant and inspiring in the face of losing [them]. They'd want us to fight our pain with all we've got."

Dedicated to Mommies

I realize I'm a day late for Mother's Day, but I think it goes without saying that you never need a special day to celebrate mothers. I got this card on the way out of church yesterday, and I wanted to dedicate it to all the great mothers out there who read this blog:

The Most Important Person

on earth is a mother. She

cannot claim the honor of

having built Nortre Dame

Catherdral. She need not. She

has built something more

magnificent than any

cathedral-a dwelling for an

immortal soul, the tiny

perfection of her baby's

body...The angels have not

been blessed with such a

grace. They cannot share in

God's creative miracle to bring

new saints to Heaven. Only a

human mother can. Mothers

are closer to God the Creator

than any other creature; God

joins forces with mothers in

performing this act of

creation...What on God's

good earth is more glorious

than this: to be a mother?

-Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

Things That Make You Go, "Hmm"

I heard this line in a movie trailer that I watched yesterday, and I just had to share:

"Misery is easy.
Happiness, you have to work at."

I also love this quote from Winnie the Pooh:

"Sometimes the smallest things
take up the most room in your heart."

ETA I heard another great quote this morning:

"Death is not the greatest

loss in the world.

The greatest loss is what dies

inside of us while we live."