If I Must

Okay, I gave in and finished decorating the Christmas tree today. I put one ornament on the tree last night and just gave up. But the first ornament on our Christmas tree this year was this:

I let the tree sit overnight with just that ornament on it, and then I finally found the desire and energy to finish trimming the tree today. But Dylan's little face sits right in the middle of all of it. And it's the first ornament my eye goes to now, everytime I look at the tree.

*** UPDATE ***

I was bound and determined to have an angel as a tree-topper this year. We've had a rinky-dink star at the top of our tree for the past couple of years. I thought it was time we graduated to an actual angel. We laid down some moolah on this beauty:

She's now a good 20% of our tree, but I love her nonetheless!

And then, we stumbled upon this and just HAD to buy it (of course):

I'm Thankful For

The following is a short list of "Dylan-isms" that we're thankful for:

1. 6 days of life

2. getting to hold him

3. getting to bathe him

4. he was not a fussy baby

5. getting lost in his beautiful eyes

6. having his entire hand grip tightly around our fingers



7. he was in the care of some of the best medical professionals

8. having tons of pictures of our time with him, that we can cherish forever

9. he was the cutest thing we've ever laid our eyes on (yes, we're partial)

10. the unconditional and irreplaceable love that he brought to our lives

That's just the 10 that I could think of on the spot. I'm sure there's about a million more. I hope everyone's Thanksgiving Day was an enjoyable start to a wonderful holiday season.

Things That Get Me By

Kindness of Strangers

The apathetic void that I'm feeling at work by those closest to me is actually being filled by people I barely know or don't know at all. Last night, for example, I was shopping for a new dress. I wasn't even set on buying anything, but because these women were so nice and accomodating, I almost felt obligated. They weren't doing it for commission or to get anything else out of it, they were just doing it because they enjoyed their jobs (which many people, including myself, don't have right now).

So my frustration was building in the dressing room, as I was trying on dress after dress that just didn't look as flattering on me as they did on the size 0 mannequins. The lady could probably sense my frustration, so I explained to her that I'd just had a baby a few months ago and I'm not back to my old figure. Well, I finally found a beautiful dress, and after I was done checking out, the lady asked how old my baby was. I said, "Well, I had a son in June, but unfortunately he passed away." The cashier who checked me out almost started crying and she said with much empathy, "I was pregnant 6 times and only have 3 kids." They both said they would pray for me, and I left the store with such a feeling of satisfaction. Sometimes, I just need people to acknowledge my reality, whether or not they understand what I'm going through.

Epiphanies and Enlightenment

I don't discuss much about religion or God on this blog. I'm not a preacher, so I won't preach. I've always believed that people have every right to put their faith where they feel necessary, and I'm not going to be that person that imposes my beliefs on others. Anyway, this next little anecdote is part of my faith journey that I actually wanted to share. I asked Justin if he was angry at God for what happened to Dylan, and he answered quickly and steadfastly, "No". Of course I wanted him to elaborate. After all, he's a father who'd just lost his son, he had every right to be angry and bitter. He said, "God doesn't interfere. He knew exactly what was going to happen, but He doesn't interfere." I was completely taken off gaurd, but in the best way possible. It's like my vision of God was shifted, shaken to the core, but it made perfect sense.

In order for people to believe in Free Will (which I do), you almost have to accept this version (I'm not sure if that's the right word) of God. In order for me to stop being angry at God and shaking my fists in the air (because I don't want to be angry at God), I had to believe that God doesn't desire to punish people. He doesn't will for bad things to happen to anyone. The reality of life is that bad things do happen, and God is simply there for us to pick up the pieces in the aftermath. It absolutely harkens back to the Footprints in the Sand poem. We experience times of trial and suffering, God doesn't stop or prevent that. But that is when God is carrying us. And then Justin showed me this poem:

And God said "no"
-Author Unknown

I asked God to take away my grief,
And God said no-
It is not for me to take away,
But for you to work through.

I asked God to make my broken heart whole,
And God said no-
Your spirit is whole.
Your pain is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience,
And God said no-
Patience is a by-product of tribulation.
It isn't granted, it's earned.

I asked God to give me happiness,
And God said no-
I give you blessings.
Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain,
And God said no-
suffering draws you apart from worldly cares,
And brings you closer to Me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow,
and God said no-
Grow on your own.
I do the pruning that makes you fruitful.

I asked God if He loved me,
And God said yes-
I gave my only son to die for you.

I asked God to help me love others,
As much as He loves me.
God said, "Ah, finally you have the idea."

Justin's been carrying this on a folded-up piece of paper in his Bible, ever since he "accidentally" stumbled upon it one day at work.

Down Memory Lane

Or street, whatever the case may be. I had to go to an office building off Clifton Road for work today. I will never forget Clifton Road. It's the street where Egleston Hospital (where Dylan spent his final days) is located. I'm familiar enough with the area to drive the route without needing directions. As I navigated the back roads leading up to Clifton, I found myself turning back to the morning of Saturday, June 14, 2008. After I got released from Northside, Justin and I sat in the car and cried the entire the way to Egleston. We exchanged few words.

Today, as I took the same route, I felt myself flashing back to that ride. It hit me like a ton of bricks, really. I didn't expect it. The tears started flowing down my face, and I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the guy in the car behind me singing to himself and was instantly back in real-time. I wasn't headed to the hospital. I wasn't headed to see Dylan.

And you know, in a sense, it's a relief. I can't imagine what it would be like if Dylan were still in the hospital. As much as I want my son here with me (more than anything in the world), I'm relieved. Just like in the first few minutes after he died, there's that sense of relief that he's no longer pained, no longer suffering, and he's healed and whole in heaven.

Words of Wisdom

The following is just a list of quotes I've compiled over that last few months that struck me enough to write them down. I don't have sources or authors for any of them, they're merely a compilation of things I heard in passing or read somewhere:

"God's grace is working through you."

"This too shall pass."

"He who does not weep, does not seek."

"The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every, single day."

"You will soar on wings of eagles. You will run on legs that never get weary."

"Courage is grace under pressure."

"Don't be too scared to live your dreams."

"What you accomplish is never as important as what you had to overcome to accomplish it!"