I have a lump in my throat. It's there all the time. ALL THE TIME. My new existence can be summed up as this: sudden outbursts of crying may occur. Yes, it sounds like a prescription drug commercial, but the truth is, grief does have all these side-effects (tears, sadness, anger, disinterest, etc.). I never know when the next outbreak will occur. It could be triggered by a certain smell; a certain note in a song; a picture; a sweet letter or e-mail from a friend; a smile from my newborn; a certain day of the month; a sad look on my husband's face. At any time, on any day, I can lose it. Now, the one upside of being a year(+) out already is that I can pull myself together afterward.
Some days are better and more bearable than others. Some events are still happy too. There's just that lump in my throat, and it's just too bad there's not a magic drug for it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Drawing Courage From . . .
There are days when I feel like if world to came crumbling in on me, I wouldn't fight it or do anything to prevent it. It certainly has taken the emotional strength of every fiber of my body to get through those days. It's always nice when people tell me how brave I've been through our whole ordeal because on those days, when I feel so broken and bruised, sometimes I just need to hear it.
So, where does my courage come from?
First and foremost, from Dylan. The mere idea that Dylan "deserves a strong mom" has gotten me out of bed more times than I can even count. More often than not, I don't want to be sad because I know that that's not what Dylan would want either.
Then, of course, there's my husband Justin. He gives me the strength and courage to face every, single day and all the things that get thrown at me. He's amazing for all that he does and for all that he puts up with.
There's my mom, who's always been a personal hero of mine. We now have this unspoken connection between us, not only because I'm a mother now but also because I'm a babylost mother. My mom courageously battled through my brother being in a coma for years and having to make the heart-breaking decision to take him off life support. My brother was older than Dyaln when he passed, but in whatever form or fashion that it occurs, parents who lose children face the unfathomable. And I think that because we've both faced it now, it makes our mother/daughter bond all the more special and close.
Finally, I'm always encouraged by the love and support of family and friends who've been there for us through it all; who were there from the beginning and are still there now (even if it's been over a year); who have no expectations of us or how we process our grief; who don't wince when we talk about Dylan; who sent cards and e-mails; who called us up; or who just dropped by. Those are the people that, when you least expect it, give you little bursts of courage that mean so very much.
So, where does my courage come from?
First and foremost, from Dylan. The mere idea that Dylan "deserves a strong mom" has gotten me out of bed more times than I can even count. More often than not, I don't want to be sad because I know that that's not what Dylan would want either.
Then, of course, there's my husband Justin. He gives me the strength and courage to face every, single day and all the things that get thrown at me. He's amazing for all that he does and for all that he puts up with.
There's my mom, who's always been a personal hero of mine. We now have this unspoken connection between us, not only because I'm a mother now but also because I'm a babylost mother. My mom courageously battled through my brother being in a coma for years and having to make the heart-breaking decision to take him off life support. My brother was older than Dyaln when he passed, but in whatever form or fashion that it occurs, parents who lose children face the unfathomable. And I think that because we've both faced it now, it makes our mother/daughter bond all the more special and close.
Finally, I'm always encouraged by the love and support of family and friends who've been there for us through it all; who were there from the beginning and are still there now (even if it's been over a year); who have no expectations of us or how we process our grief; who don't wince when we talk about Dylan; who sent cards and e-mails; who called us up; or who just dropped by. Those are the people that, when you least expect it, give you little bursts of courage that mean so very much.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Had A Moment
This past Monday was my first day back at work from being on maternity leave with Faith. I had a great half-day reprieve when Justin brought me lunch and brought Faith up to work for a visit. So of course I took her around the office to show off our beautiful, new daughter. And of course, everyone was so excited about meeting her. But one of my co-workers cradled Faith in her arms and just started crying. She said, through the tears, "Oh Katrina, I'm so happy for you guys". And as my eyes welled up knowing exactly who we were both thinking about at that moment, I mouthed the words "Thank you" to her. It touched me so deeply to know that, even in the excitement of our new little miracle, our first miracle is not forgotten.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Bit of Wisdom
One of the readings at church this past Sunday (really struck a cord with me):
God did not make death,
nor does he rejoice in the destruction of the living.
For he fashioned all things that they might have being;
and the creatures of the world are wholesome,
and there is not a destructive drug among them
nor any domain of the netherworld on earth,
for justice is undying.
For God formed man to be imperishable;
the image of his own nature he made him.
But by the envy of the devil, death entered the world,
and they who belong to his company experience it.
Wisdom 1:13-15; 2:23-24
God did not make death,
nor does he rejoice in the destruction of the living.
For he fashioned all things that they might have being;
and the creatures of the world are wholesome,
and there is not a destructive drug among them
nor any domain of the netherworld on earth,
for justice is undying.
For God formed man to be imperishable;
the image of his own nature he made him.
But by the envy of the devil, death entered the world,
and they who belong to his company experience it.
Under the Tree - June
"Under the Tree" is a discussion spot for babyloss mothers started by Carly from Love Reign Over Me.
Okay, so obviously I'm a little behind in posting this one, but it looked like fun, so I still wanted to participate!
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye color: Dark Brown
Profession: Mommy and Promotions Coordinator at a local TV station
Relationship status: Happily Married
My Favorites:
Favorite color: Blue
Favorite movie: "Knocked Up"
Favorite animal: Non-domestic? Probably whales (kind of a random one, I know, but I fell in love with the Belugas at the Georgia Aquarium)
Favorite store: Banana Republic
Favorite childhood memory: Being a huge tomboy and always trying to keep up with what the boys were doing
Favorite hobby: Writing and Photography
Favorite song/singer: "Paul Revere" by the Beastie Boys / John Mayer
Favorite book/author: "Great Gatsby" / Edgar Allan Poe
Favorite school subject: Newspaper/Journalism
Favorite vacation destination: Maui, where we went for our honeymoon; or Destin, FL where we go every year
Favorite food: Salmon, Spaghetti/Lasagna (preferably mom's), or chocolate
Favorite restaurant: Trader Vics
This or That:
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Beer or wine: Either, depends on my mood
Coffee or tea: Tea, preferably sweet and iced!
Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ
Summer or Winter: Can I say Fall?
Cats or dogs: Dogs
Salty or sweet: Both!
Plane or boat: Plane
Morning or night: Night
Money or love: No question, LOVE!
Breakfast or dinner: Dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness
House or apartment: House
Like to cook: Not really, so I married a great cook!
Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Yes
Wished you were someone else: I'm sure I have
Cried during a movie: Uh, can you say "Steel Magnolias"?
Describe yourself in one word: Complicated
Biggest fear: I'm not afraid of anything anymore, other than losing another child
Biggest mistake: My ex?
Your proudest accomplishment: Carrying and Having Dylan, and how I've carried myself in the aftermath
Dream job: Wedding Coordinator or Wedding Photographer
Special talents: Video-editing
Where would you rather be at the moment: At the Beach
Famous person you want to meet: Orlando Bloom
Song to be played at your funeral: "One Sweet Day" Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men
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